“You can't change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react to it.”
— Nicky Gumbel · 1955 –Source: no specific work is documented · Check the source
Disputed attributionWhat we know
- What is documented
- The wording is widely reproduced under Nicky Gumbel’s name on quotation websites, but no authenticated sermon, book, or verified social-media post has been located.
- What remains uncertain
- Attribution is disputed: a Twitter post dated 11 March 2014 is cited in some datasets but has not been independently verified, and no earlier source has been established.
Understanding the quote
The line captures a simple power: you can’t control others, but you can control your response. It echoes ideas from Stoic practice and modern therapy that emphasize personal agency in how we interpret and react to events. Its brevity explains why it spreads as everyday advice.
The story behind it
Gumbel trained as a barrister before ordination and is best known for creating the Alpha course, a conversational tool for introducing Christian faith worldwide. That public-facing style suits short, shareable sayings.
Going further
- The era
- In the 2010s, short motivational lines proliferated across social platforms and quote sites.
- The thinking
- Practically, it means focusing on what you can change—your judgments and actions—rather than wasting energy on others’ words or deeds.
- Key word
- Locus of control: the idea that some things are under your control and others are not.
- Who quoted it
- This wording appears repeatedly on quote aggregators and in social-media posts, often without a primary citation.
Three challenges to live it
In the app, you pick the one that fits your day, and in the evening you say how it went.
Before replying to any upsetting message or comment today, take three deep breaths and wait 30 seconds; then decide to reply, edit, or let it go.
A short pause between stimulus and response creates space to choose how you act, preventing reactive answers and preserving agency.
Write a prepared response (2–3 sentences) to a common criticism you face; revise it to stay factual and calm, and keep it for future use.
Drafting a response in advance reduces emotional surprise and lets you react according to your values rather than impulse.
Call or message a trusted person; describe a recent difficult interaction and ask them to reframe it kindly to help you test a different reaction.
Hearing an outside, compassionate reframing shifts interpretation and makes it easier to choose a less defensive response.
How do you choose to respond when someone criticizes you?
Report an error
Does an attribution, a source or a translation look wrong? Tell us: every report is read, and the entry is corrected if needed.